Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
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The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I’m awake but I object,
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Yes
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.