It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
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Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.