Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
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I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no