yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
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Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“How’s your day going?”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
My Guy
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt