You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
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I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Why am I like this?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic