ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
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I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*