Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
LOL
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
That’s it.I’m out.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.