My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
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It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose