[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Strange things: the prequel
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I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.