[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
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If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My dating profile:
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.