kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
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*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Autocorrect is my menesis
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Only short people can save us
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days