Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
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It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Heroic Misunderstanding
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.