I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
The dark side of Canada
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me checking my bank balance online.