Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
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If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender