I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Seems legit
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.