A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
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police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.