You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
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[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*