me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
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WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating