why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
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*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?