[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
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13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana