Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
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lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
In case you needed to hear it:
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest