Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
You Might Also Like
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.