No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
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[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.