I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
You Might Also Like
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.