BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
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My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.