Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
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Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.