If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
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Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
multitasking lunch
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Not all heroes wear capes…
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’