The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
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#parenting
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”