My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
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I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Ah yes. The three genders
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know