still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
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a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Okay, I’m still confused…
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen