*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
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Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER