Fixed this for Shakespeare
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I only treason on days ending in y
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Me checking my bank balance online.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before