Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
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So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
😂😂
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Saturday