Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
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Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Blew my mind.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA