“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
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ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two