I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
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They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.