[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them