Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
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I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.