I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
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what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk