My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
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It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
2 years later
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong