I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
You Might Also Like
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Have kids, they said
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
the council will decide your fate
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.