Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
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[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
My what?
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
listen closely
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper