PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
im all 3
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY