Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
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I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”