Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Put the is in disheveled
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right