Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
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In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS