A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
You Might Also Like
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.