Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
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I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Hotels are back
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.