Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
You Might Also Like
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?