I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
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Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
i spent way too long on this
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.